(Kids: Converse.)

HARRY ANDERSON: so...

HARRY ANDERSON: um. vriska?

VRISKA: The one and o........

VRISKA: (Ughhhhhhhh)

VRISKA: I mean, yeah. That's me!!!!!!!!

HARRY ANDERSON: i've heard a lot about you. my name's harry anderson egbert.

HARRY ANDERSON: but my friends just call me harry anderson.

VRISKA: And what do incredi8ly hot and 8adass alien girls call you? ::::)

VRISKA: 8ecause there's no way I'm saying Harry Anderson every time. That's like... 8 whole letters too long.

VRISKA: From now on your name is just Harry.

HARRY: o... k?

VRISKA: Gr8.

VRISKA: So what's your deal, Harry?

VRISKA: If I had to 8et, I'd say you're the thing that pup8ed after a 8ar8aric act of human sexual intercourse 8etween John and some Lalonde or other.

HARRY: ok.

HARRY: ew.

HARRY: i do NOT want to think about that.

VRISKA: Too 8ad, chief. It's 8asically all I've 8een dealing with today.

VRISKA: "Welcome 8ack, Vriska. Your friends have spent the last who-knows-how many sweeps producing an army of freakish offspring, all while steadily getting uglier and LESS COOL."

HARRY: lol. gottem.

HARRY: but um, yeah. john and roxy are my parents.

VRISKA: Ugh, "parents".

VRISKA: I didn't care a8out all this alien shit when John first tried to tell me a8out it, and I DEFIN8TELY don't care any more.

HARRY: hahaha...

VRISKA: What?

HARRY: i don’t know, i’ve just never talked to a troll who didn’t grow up around humans.

HARRY: you sound like vrissy, but if vrissy was from like...

HARRY: ok, so have you ever seen the musical calamity jane?

HARRY: i guess you probably haven't.

HARRY: but so there's this part at the beginning, where the title character comes back from chicago, and she talks to all of the old-timey locals about how bizarre and new-fangled everything was, and

VRISKA: Godddddddd it really is like talking to teenage John all over again.

VRISKA: No I haven't seen Chastity Jane or whatever the stupid title was. It sounds like a total snooze!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: And anyway, what are you trying to say?

VRISKA: That I sound outd8ed?

VRISKA: There WERE no humans on Alternia, okay? There were no humans, and no human "musicals", in my entire UNIVERSE.

HARRY: it sounds like a horrible place. ):

VRISKA: Yeah, it 8lew so un8elieva8ly hard.

VRISKA: And while we're at it: don't compare me to Vrissy either!!!!!!!! She's no 8etter than the rest of you.

VRISKA: She's soft. I can tell.

VRISKA: None of you weenies would have survived even a day, 8ack where I came from.

HARRY: i bet i would have.

VRISKA: HAH!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: No way, kid.

VRISKA: I mean, I can tell that you think you’re hot shit, and I can respect reckless 8ravado.

VRISKA: 8ut only if you can 8ack it up. :::;)

HARRY: i can back it up.

VRISKA: Oh yeah????????

VRISKA: Ever killed any8ody????????

VRISKA: Ever even thrown a P8NCH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

HARRY: well... no.

HARRY: i mean, we've done stage fighting before, but never the real stuff.

HARRY: but i bet i could learn. i took kickboxing with my mom for a month and half when i was nine.

VRISKA: Pffffffff.

VRISKA: Well, at least you aren’t a coward. I’ve known guys softer than you, 8elieve it or not.

VRISKA: John, for instance!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: He totally freaked out the first time I told him I killed some8ody.

HARRY: haha, that sounds like my dad.

VRISKA: He came through, though. I guess. When it actually counted.

VRISKA: He was there to punch me in the face when I needed it most.

HARRY: hehe...

HARRY: ...

HARRY: wait.

HARRY: like... literally?

VRISKA: Yup!

Harry doesn’t really know what to think about this past version of his father. He knows the stories, the legends, the lore. He’s seen John’s old fetch modi, the ugly blue pajamas and all the hammers. Most of them are in museums. That his parents are literal gods has always been a basic fact about his family life, about as interesting as who sits where at the dinner table. It’s all normal to him. Every detail of that part of his parents’ lives has always seemed to lie on the other side of an insuperable barrier, cut off from the people they are now. Harry had always assumed that this dividing line was simply an effect of the passage of time. Being boring and two-dimensional just seemed like it came with the territory when you were an adult.

But now he's not so sure. Ever since hearing that one of his dad's old friends had turned up, that border between past and present has felt fainter by the minute. And as they talk, he begins to think that Vriska seems so much... fresher. More real. An actual, authentic, bona fide god from another universe. Harry can’t imagine his dad even talking to someone like her, let alone punching her in the face.

Freaking out about murder, though; that's definitely something Harry can see his father doing. And, speaking of which...

HARRY: not to cast doubt on any of these stories about my dad that you're telling me vriska, but he's probably going to freak out a bit about this whole clown situation.

HARRY: as well as... you even being here?

VRISKA: John already knows I'm here, num8nuts!!!!!!!!

VRISKA: And as for the stuff with Gamzee,

HARRY: no, listen, i mean the fact that you're HERE here. the fact that you're involving any of the rest of us.

HARRY: my mom probably won't be happy about this either!

HARRY: i'm not allowed ONE vriska in my bedroom.

HARRY: i don't even want to THINK about how much trouble i'll be in if she finds out i had TWO of them up there.

VRISKA: Hahahahahahahaha oh my god. And you expect me to 8elieve you'd survive on Alternia?

HARRY: well, i'm not there right now!

HARRY: right now i'm in my mom's house with my girlfriend, her boyfriend, and another god damn version of my girlfriend, and all of us are probably now on the run from the fucking GOVERNMENT!!!!

VRISKA: Ooooooookay, so YOU'RE freaking out a8out it now. Cool.

HARRY: of course i am freaking out vriska!

HARRY: i'm freaking out what i think is probably a good amount about this. the fashionable amount of freaking out.

HARRY: the coolest possible amount of freaking out to be doing about the present situation, is the amount of freaking out i'm doing right now.

VRISKA: >::::|

HARRY: but my dad ISN'T cool!!! he just spent like an hour on driving me around in his car and talking about emotions and stuff.

HARRY: he's going through some kind of personal epiphany at the moment. he even shaved off his MUSTACHE before coming here.

HARRY: this is really serious, and now i'm implicated in it as well!

HARRY: you guys were at my school, so he'll realise immediately that you were trying to meet up with me!

HARRY: he's going to absolutely flip his fucking lid if he ever finds out about this!!

HARRY: or worse, it might just make him as miserable as before, and he'll be really disappointed in me, and then he'll just leave again, or... or SOMETHING!!

HARRY: and that's not to even MENTION--

Harry is not even able to mention the thing he was about to mention, because at this exact moment his phone starts ringing.

BECAUSE JELLICLES CAN AND JEEEEEEELLICLES DO JELLICLES DO AND JELLICLES CAN JELLICLES CAN AND JEEEEEELLICLES

HARRY: oh fuck.

JELLICLES CAN AND JEEEEEEELLICLES DO JELLICLES DO AND JELLICLES CAN JELLICLES CAN AND JEEEEEELLICLES

HARRY: it's him.

VRISSY: Check it out, someone's already cospl8ying my fit from tod8y.

TAVROS: I'm sure it's very good, but there's,

VRISSY: Good? It's Infuri8ing!!!!!!!!

VRISSY: UGH! So many f8ke accounts pretending to 8e me. Stealing my hard-earned Clout. Fakey f8ke F8KES.

TAVROS: So,

TAVROS: Not that that isn't important,,, but, we should really talk about

VRISSY: Damn Right it's import8nt Tavros! Image is a8out as Important as it gets.

VRISSY: If you understood that a little better then m8ybe we'd have gotten to Third 8ase already.

TAVROS: Th,,,,,,

TAVROS: W,,,,,,,,,,

TAVROS: (Vrissy,,)

TAVROS: (We haven't,,, even,,,,,)

VRISSY: My Point ex8ctly. ;;;;)

TAVROS: Oh,, i see,

TAVROS: Just a wee joke,, to, lighten the mood,, or something,

VRISSY: 8ingo.

VRISSY: Relax Tavvy.

VRISSY: You're starting to Sweat Nervously. You know I H8te it when you Swe8t Nervously.

TAVROS: Thank you,,

VRISSY: Th8t wasn't a Fucking H8mance Complim8nt, I do genuinely Hate it and not in a Fun Way.

TAVROS: Oh,,

TAVROS: I'm,, sorry,,,,

VRISSY: Ugh. Whatever.

VRISSY: I'm just... 8eing a 8itch. Forget about it.

TAVROS: ,,,,

VRISSY: ........

VRISSY: The two of Them seem to 8e Getting Along.

TAVROS: You mean,, harry anderson and vriska,

VRISSY: No Tavros, The *Other* Two People In The Room With Us.

VRISSY: Yes Harry 8nderson and Vriska!!!!!!!!

VRISSY: They seem like a 8unch of pals Already.

VRISSY: I'm Glad.

TAVROS: You don't sound,,, happy about it,

VRISSY: Not Happy? Tavros, I'm Over The Fucking Moon a8out this. See? I'm smiling So Hard my F8ce hurts! ::::))))))))

TAVROS: That does look like it hurts,, yes,

VRISSY: This is Gr8. This is all Gr8! It's all Just GR8!!!!!!!!

VRISSY: The Way she just cannon8alled into our lives out of nowhere was gr8.

VRISSY: Killing that Clown? Without a Doubt the 8est thing I've ever Fucking Seen.

VRISSY: Dragging his 8ody through Harry Anderson's school, 8eing drenched in W8ter, and Hiding in a Clos8t?

VRISSY: The Picture of Gr8tness incarn8!!!!!!!!

TAVROS: I might be imagining it, but,, i believe i detect the merest smidgen of insincerity, in the way you're describing these events,,

VRISSY: 8ut you know wh8t's the Gr8test thing of all?

VRISSY: It's the F8ct th8t they can Just Stand There and Ch8t, like it's Not Even a 8ig Deal!

TAVROS: Is it a big deal,,

TAVROS: Other than, the various ways in which basically everything right now,, could be said to constitute a deal that is somewhat developed,,, in the sense of, bigness,,,,,

VRISSY: Of Course It's A 8ig De8l????????

VRISSY: I mean!

VRISSY: UGH!!!!!!!!

VRISSY: Just LOOK 8t Them.

TAVROS: I am,, looking,

TAVROS: But,

TAVROS: I do not see it,

TAVROS: Whatever it is about the two of them, that you want me to be observing,,

TAVROS: I cannot help but note, though,, that you seem a little,,,,, on edge about something,

TAVROS: Similar to how you get,, when there are people who you would describe as,, uncool, in the general vicinity,,

TAVROS: Other than me, i mean,

TAVROS: Or when someone,, who you were mutuals with, on some social media site or other,, unfollows you,

TAVROS: Betraying what i can only assume is a sacred bond of trust,

TAVROS: And,, it makes me wonder if this might be another such occasion,,, where some unspoken social contract has been shamelessly torn asunder,

VRISSY: Okay. Fine.

VRISSY: You make a Good Point, Tavros.

VRISSY: I just........

VRISSY: Sigh.

VRISSY: It's Vriska.

TAVROS: Ok,

TAVROS: Would it make you feel any better, if i pretended to be surprised about that,,

VRISSY: 8ite me.

TAVROS: Listen,

TAVROS: I know you don't like to talk about these kinds of things,,

TAVROS: Having said, on previous occasions, stuff like,,

TAVROS: "Feelings are for adults and babies, not real people,"

TAVROS: And i'm not,, necessarily, saying that you have some unaddressed feelings,

TAVROS: But,, maybe if we're going to be around her,

TAVROS: You should try to be honest, about the feelings, that you don't have,,

VRISSY: TAvros, It's Nothing.

TAVROS: ,

VRISSY: I mean... okay, look.

VRISSY: Much as I H8 to admit it, you're Right.

VRISSY: Her being here, it m8kes me Feel Something.

VRISSY: It's Something about the W8y she Looks at him.

VRISSY: The Rest of us too.

VRISSY: Like we're not even Real.

TAVROS: Yes,, this is good,

VRISSY: Ever since she showed up, it's 8een o8vious that Nothing Here M8tters to her.

VRISSY: Like... I don't Matter.

VRISSY: And to 8e Honest, I think I Understand why!

VRISSY: Everything Here is so dwee8ish and 8oring!!!!!!!!

TAVROS: This is a good level of honesty, that you're displaying here,,

TAVROS: I'm absorbing everything you're saying,, in a very non judgemental way,

VRISSY: And with her 8eing here, Talking to Harry Anderson...

VRISSY: I get this sort of frustr8ed feeling in my Chest.

VRISSY: And if I H8d to say Why,

TAVROS: You can do it,,

VRISSY: I guess it would 8e 8ecause........

VRISSY: ........

TAVROS: Because you're worried harry anderson thinks she's cooler than you,,

TAVROS: Because you're jealous,,,,

VRISSY: W8.

VRISSY: What?

VRISSY: No!

VRISSY: Tavros, were you Listening to 8NYTHING I was Just Saying?

VRISSY: I'm not worried a8out Harry Fucking 8nderson right now!

VRISSY: Hell, I'm so Unconcerned that I think I'm going to start just calling him Harry from now on! It'll Save Everyone a lot of Valua8le Time!

VRISSY: Listen Tavros, Vriska will get 8ored of Harry in a Heart8eat!

VRISSY: That's the whole point!!!!!!!!

VRISSY: She shouldn't 8e w8sting her Time on someone like Him!

VRISSY: SHE SHOULD BE T8LKING T8 ME!!!!!!!!

TAVROS:

VRISSY: I MEAN,

VRISSY: Sh,

TAVROS: ,

VRISSY: Oh just

VRISSY: Forget it.

VRISSY: What were you Trying To Tell me a8out?

TAVROS: Um,,

TAVROS: Oh,

TAVROS: Right,

TAVROS: Yes,

TAVROS: You should,,, probably come and take a look out the window,

TAVROS: We appear to be in,

TAVROS: If you'll pardon the expression,,,

TAVROS: A bit of a fudging pickle,

> (Harry: Pick up.)