JAKE: What in the flibergating fuck!
DIRK: That’s not a word.
JAKE: Am I still dreaming? I have to tell you my dream hangovers are not usually nearly this bad!
DIRK: I wasn’t going to say anything, but holy shit, dude. You’ve really let yourself go.
DIRK: Not to say the sloppy drunk look isn’t working for me, because it absolutely is, but come on, man.
DIRK: You passed out in a puddle of your own drool. And what the fuck is that on your face?
JAKE: My face? What do you mean on my face?
DIRK: The moustache, Jake. Who’s idea was that.
JAKE: Oh! You dont like it?
DIRK: I didn’t say that.
DIRK: Point is, you are a fucking wreck, and no amount of well-maintained facial hair is going to be enough to hide that. Not from me.
JAKE: Now see here buster you dont know the situation. You havent been here!
DIRK: We’ve had this conversation before, dingus. I’m you. And I’m me. But I only exist because of your powers. The fact that I’m manifesting here, in the new universe, outside of a dream, is evidence in itself for just how absolutely boned you are.
DIRK: What are you doing? There’s a war happening. All of your friends are out there fighting, and you’re just here, what...dusting?
DIRK: Taking care of a house that nobody actually uses?
DIRK: You’ve been a useless sack of shit for two decades. I’m here to kick your ass back into active duty.
DIRK: You’ve spent years feeling sorry for yourself, totally convinced you made the wrong choices and that it’s all over. And it’s easier that way, isn’t it? If you’re a lost cause you don’t have to try to be better.
DIRK: But you do want to be better. Remember all those dreams about adventure? Life? Love? Remember when Tavros was born and there were so many things in this world you wanted to show him.
DIRK: Beautiful things, Jake.
DIRK: But none of those are going to come from sitting around playing house-husband to your ecto-son.
JAKE: Well what do you propose i do if youre so gosh-darned brainy!
JAKE: Im a cracking good marksman and no slouch when it comes to fisticuffs but what good am i in a war??
JAKE: Ive got some panache but i can hardly hold my own in the face of an army!
JAKE: And what side am i supposed to be fighting on? for jane or against her?
DIRK: Against her. Obviously. What the fuck, dude.
JAKE: But you were the one who wanted her to run in the first place! You wrote her bloody speeches!
DIRK: Yeah, I did. And every single one of them kicked ass. I wanted Jane to be the democratically elected president. Not a cake-slinging Jeff Bezos with a great rack.
JAKE: Jeff who?
DIRK: Don’t worry about it. The point is, you have a chance to make a difference. You’re in the perfect position to infiltrate her operation.
JAKE: Like...a spy?
DIRK: Don’t try to tell me it doesn’t appeal to you. Sexy little suit. Slicked back hair. A bunch of weapons hidden in unlikely places. We’re both liking this idea more and more.
JAKE: Ahahaha well i do look fetching in a cummerbund.
JAKE: Wait! No! You tricked me with thoughts of spies and hijinks and two bros against the world!
JAKE: I left janey! Theres no going back now! She isnt exactly the sort to live and let live you know.
DIRK: That’s horseshit and we both know it. Jane would take you back in a second. She loves you.
JAKE: Psshaw. Not to be maudlin brain ghost dirk but jane hasnt cared about me in a very a long time if she ever did at all.
JAKE: I thought you knew everything i do.
DIRK: There’s a part of you that still hopes. You can’t help it. You’ll never be able to help it. You’re going to hope for a brighter future until you’re in the ground.
DIRK: Better you than me, honestly. Sounds exhausting.
DIRK: You’re going to do this, and we both know it. So why are we even still arguing?